So New York City says that it had a record number of tourists this year. But it’s not enough! They want to spend money to promote New York to more people internationally. As if the sidewalks aren’t crowded enough this week, they want more tourists here.
I think the extra money shouldn’t go to promote New York. Everyone knows New York’s deal. It’s New York. Yes, we’re self-absorbed assholes who think we live at the center of the universe. But everyone knows that New York is the center of the universe. I think the extra money should go to tourist education. Before tourists set foot on Manhattan soil, they should be forced to pass a one-hour class in how to properly be a tourist here in New York City.
Teacher: Good morning, class. Welcome to New York. Go fuck yourselves.
Student 1: Well, my word, that wasn’t very nice!
Teacher: Please, raise your hand before you speak. And don’t shout, we can hear you just fine. Use your “restaurant” or “train” voice. Yes, Jethro?
Student 2: Um, my name is Richard. What do you mean by “train voice?”
Teacher: It means that we don’t want to hear your fucking yapping from 15 feet away when we’re on the subway trying to unwind after a long day at work. Now, we’re going to play a game: let’s say you’re in the middle of a sidewalk and see a really, really tall building. What do you do?
Student 3: Ooh! Ooh! I know!
Teacher: Yes, Mary Jo Ellen?
Student 3: Actually, my name is Kelly. You stop right where you are, open your purse, find your camera, take a picture, and stand there and gawk at it for several minutes!
Teacher: Aww, so close, Susie Lee! You move to the side of the sidewalk and do all that stuff. Standing in the middle of the sidewalk will block the flow of traffic for people who are more important than you are.
Student 4: Teacher! What if you’re really, really fat?
Teacher: Good question. What do you think?
Student 4: I think if you’re fat, you get to stay where you are, because if you have to move, you might sprain an ankle.
Teacher: NO! WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG! The correct answer is: if you’re fat, stay on a bus to do all your sightseeing. You don’t let tanks drive on your roads, so we don’t want your fat people walking on our sidewalks.
Student 4: But… what if…
Teacher: No buts and no what ifs, fatass. Now it’s time for a math problem. If a sidewalk is 5 people wide, and your family of 4 is walking side-by-side down the sidewalk, how much room is left for people to pass?
Student 2: Ooh! I know! I know!
Teacher: Yes, Billy Bob?
Student 2: It’s Richard. The answer is 1!
Teacher: Very good. Now, can someone tell me what’s wrong with that?
(silence)
Teacher: Anyone?
(silence)
Student 3: There’s nothing wrong with that! Nobody uses sidewalks where I’m from! You can use as much of the sidewalk as you want!
Teacher: Agh! You all fail. Go back where you came from!
6 Comments
Thursday, December 28, 2006 at 3:06 pm
When I first started working at a law firm in Times Square, I would get frustrated by people standing at a corner, gawking at some giant sign or another, or waiting for the Walk sign to cross, or asking whether that purse is a genuine Fendi. After a while, though, it stopped bothering me. It was right around the time I decided to just keep walking and bump them out of my way. It was great stress relief, actually, especially after a long day dealing with asshole clients.
Thursday, December 28, 2006 at 4:46 pm
Teacher: Just assume that all trains stop at Canal Street.
Student: But what if you’re on a train under the Avenue of the Americas?
Tecaher: Don’t ever ride the 6th Avenue lines. They are for local riders only.
Thursday, December 28, 2006 at 5:31 pm
Beehive, that’s only for students in Being a New York Tourist 402. It’s the senior-level seminar in subway riding.
Friday, December 29, 2006 at 10:03 pm
I do not even live in New York and I think that is funny. It all pretty much applies in Hollywood too except for the subway, we do not really do subways in California.
Sunday, December 31, 2006 at 4:37 pm
offering classes to tourists? nah, pocket the money like chicagoans…and shoot the tourists. ah, now that’s the way to do it.
a pipe dream of course!
Tuesday, January 9, 2007 at 9:08 am
It is your fault that tourists find cosmic NYC so interesting. Why do you not build a second deck to your sidewalks for tourists and forbid them to use the lower deck? I was born and raised in old York, England. The 1951 revival of the Mystery Plays (theist garbage) and annual Festival have crammed the narrow streets with tourists. But no problem. Out of town shopping is the answer.
We in Bournemouth, England, where I live now, have no excuse. The place was heath until 1820. It grew entirely on tourism. Yet when I did a spell at the Pavilion theatre as a porter in 1976, a workmate (local guy) was nasty to people asking the way. And he complained about sidewalk jams.
Oh, sorry, you just being funny. Really, you love us. I get it now. I will come as soon as I can.You can get your own back by coming here. Cy Quick at mydigest.wordpress.com