A Solution to Manhattan’s Congestion Problem

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I went to grab some lunch this afternoon. As I first passed by the hotel outside my office, a man was flagging drivers over on the street and blocking off a lane of traffic on a major crosstown artery. Why? Because a massive load of elderly people were filing onto a coach bus, with its door facing out into traffic.

Ten minutes later, I returned from picking up my lunch. I walked by the hotel, where the same bus was still loading its elderly passengers and blocking a lane of traffic.

Ladies and gentlemen, the solution is simple: we must solve Manhattan’s congestion problem by imposing a maximum age for entering the island. By the time you reach that ripe old age, you begin to stop caring about the concept of time. Time is a concept that is near and dear to the heart of every New Yorker. Letting these people into our city disrupts our entire way of life! 

I suggest the age of 65 - roughly the time our visitors begin to lose their mobility, memory, and bodily functions all at once. Just think of how many slow pedestrians, senior services vans, Elderhostel tour buses, Metamucil delivery trucks, and ambulances will be taken off our streets! Manhattan will be peaceful again!

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