I have grown a beard.
I have not grown a beard for any of the following reasons:
1. Because secretly, I have become a damn, dirty Vermont hippie.
2. To mask the double chin that is growing more and more by the day.
3. Because I have converted to Orthodox Judaism.
4. To honor Johnny Damon in what could likely be his final season with the Sox.
5. To hide the painful abrasion left from when a girl from Metuchen slapped me across the face at a bar in Jersey last weekend, after making a crack about how she “should be ‘tuchen me.”
So, why? Because I’m lazy and don’t like to shave. Of course, now I’m learning that having a beard is a bitch. It’s a lot of maintenance. And I am not a high-maintenance guy.