Before I returned to the city from my little “sabbatical”, I listed 10 stupid little things I missed about New York. Did I really miss them? Let’s review.
1. The Mr. Softee song
To be honest, I did miss it. I gave up ice cream for Lent. When I was finally ready to break Lent after Easter, I heard the Mr. Softee song outside my apartment, and ran downstairs like a child shouting, “Ice cream man! Ice cream man!” Of course, whether or not the product that Mr. Softee serves actually constitutes ice cream is questionable at best.
2. Hearing 3 foreign languages spoken at once
That’s fine, as long as they’re not all being spoken to me at once.
3. The falafel shop on Bedford Ave. in Williamsburg
4. The other falafel shop right across Bedford Ave. from that one
…now has a monopoly on Williamsburg’s late-night falafel market. And was clearly better to begin with.
5. The protest du jour in Union Square
Very obnoxious. I actually stopped once to speak with a girl who was trying to push her cause on me and donate to it. I agreed, but said I was a little strapped for cash at the time. I now walk through Union Square trembling at the thought that I may run into her again.
6. How any beverage you buy at a bodega looks alcoholic after it’s bagged
Apparently, the bodegas in my neighborhood have cut down on costs by eliminating the little paper bags for every beverage. Now everyone has to know that I’m drinking Sparks Light in public.
7. The busker on the G train that only sings “Lean on Me”
I still miss him. I used to live in Brooklyn. I live in Manhattan now. I have no need for the G train… and I hope to never have a need for it for as long as I shall live.
8. The “stand clear of the closing doors, please” guy
But not that bitch on the 4/5/6. She’s so mean. I’ve always thought it would be cool to have celebrities do the automated subway announcements. Mr. T says, “stand clear of the closin’ doors, foo.”
9. Dive bars in Williamsburg that serve 32 oz. beers in styrofoam cups
Please, I am so past that hipster phase.