An Address from the Governor of the State of Chris

Good evening. I come to you on the first day of our state’s budget crisis. I ask, you, the legislature, for help in getting us through this serious problem.

Our state is, essentially, broke. The budget that was set has come under serious strain due to a number of outside forces. High interest rates have forced higher payments on our student debt. New Federal legislation has boosted minimum monthly payments on credit card debt. An embarassing mathematical error has forced a temporarily higher rent payment. Plus, with the ongoing oil crisis and the onset of another hot summer, our energy costs are higher than expected as well. Our funds on-hand have dwindled to record lows.

We must take action immediately. First, I am calling for a nine-day moratorium on alcohol. This will reduce our expenses by nearly 15% for the July fiscal month. Secondly, transportation expenses must be reduced immediately. Efficient alternate modes of private transportation must be explored, such as walking, or running. Thirdly, we must stop outsourcing labor, such as lunchmaking and laundry, to third parties. Finally, I am recommending partial shutdown of the state Department of Socialization. This one agency’s spending has been out of control and could singlehandedly send this state into debt.

The state of Chris must find solutions. We must collect debt owed by neighboring states, such as the state of Roommate, who could increase funds on-hand by 25%. We could tap into the state budget lockbox, or “the change jar.” As a last resort, we could look for budgetary assistance from overseas – particularly, the Kingdom of Mom and Dad.

It is essential that we address this problem as soon as possible, as we must avert a lockdown of the state capitol, otherwise known as “the bedroom” – or even worse, a total life shutdown. Thank you, God Bless This Mess, and God Bless America.

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9 Comments

Filed under Politics

9 responses to “An Address from the Governor of the State of Chris

  1. Not bad. Not great, but not bad.

  2. Great blog. Found the link on diminishingreturns.net Will def revisit. Keep writing.

  3. Ryan, thanks for the ringing endorsement! haha.

  4. The People's Republic of Langley

    Too many fiscal considerations have been given to social welfare programs e.g. “having fun” and “cruising chicks” when budgetary responsibility would suggest heavy divestment. The Legislature of Langley suggests serious re-evaluation and the diversion of funds toward education e.g. “sitting alone in a coffee shop with a book pretending to have fun.” Sir, if locking down state capitol involves a lockdown of your bedroom…Mr. Evidiot, are you implying that you’re either a.) a gigolo or b.) hoarding potential future “states of Chris” for delivery in spermcicle form to your nearest infertility clinic? Sir, this is the kind of moral depravity that lead to your current fiscal crisis. In addition to your suggested cost-cutting measures, it is highly recommended that you visit your local place of worship and may G-d have mercy on your soul.

  5. I pledge to veto any bill set forth by the Legislature of Langley that includes cuts to social welfare programs.

  6. Chairman Langley

    Fiduciary irresponsibility, Mr. Evidiot, has been known to severely limit the possibility of creating future social welfare programs. Without compromise, we wither and die, sir. G-d bless America…and nobody else.

  7. The State of Gigi is experiencing similar difficulties, yet can’t seem to cut the alcohol budget. In this regard, the State of Gigi proposes to buy bottles of alcohol to drink before going out, so as to have a preliminary buzz. The State of Gigi will follow up said action by wearing a tight, cleavage-bearing top out so that “blue” states will perhaps buy her a drink. The State of Gigi will tell you how it goes, oh, say, Sunday?

  8. Marjorie

    there is always Westchester…which reminds me, I’m still trying to move out of there…

  9. The State of Amish In The City [that makes zero sense] has implemented Google ads on its site to earn revenue. To date (approximately one month after inception), The State has earned a whopping $2.06. The State does not recommend this as a reliable source of income.

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