Our state is, essentially, broke. The budget that was set has come under serious strain due to a number of outside forces. High interest rates have forced higher payments on our student debt. New Federal legislation has boosted minimum monthly payments on credit card debt. An embarassing mathematical error has forced a temporarily higher rent payment. Plus, with the ongoing oil crisis and the onset of another hot summer, our energy costs are higher than expected as well. Our funds on-hand have dwindled to record lows.
We must take action immediately. First, I am calling for a nine-day moratorium on alcohol. This will reduce our expenses by nearly 15% for the July fiscal month. Secondly, transportation expenses must be reduced immediately. Efficient alternate modes of private transportation must be explored, such as walking, or running. Thirdly, we must stop outsourcing labor, such as lunchmaking and laundry, to third parties. Finally, I am recommending partial shutdown of the state Department of Socialization. This one agency’s spending has been out of control and could singlehandedly send this state into debt.
The state of Chris must find solutions. We must collect debt owed by neighboring states, such as the state of Roommate, who could increase funds on-hand by 25%. We could tap into the state budget lockbox, or “the change jar.” As a last resort, we could look for budgetary assistance from overseas – particularly, the Kingdom of Mom and Dad.
It is essential that we address this problem as soon as possible, as we must avert a lockdown of the state capitol, otherwise known as “the bedroom” – or even worse, a total life shutdown. Thank you, God Bless This Mess, and God Bless America.