Frequently Asked Questions: I Hope You Get Crappled in an Accident

Welcome to Frequently Asked Questions, a new feature on East Village Idiot, where I will answer other people’s frequently asked questions from web sites other than mine. This first question comes from Snapple’s FAQ page:

snapple1.JPG

Okay, we’ve got a few problems here, sir or madam. First off, you still drink Snapple. Seriously, who drinks Snapple anymore? I bet you still play NHL ’94 on your Sega Genesis while listening to Salt-n-Pepa on your Sony Walkman. Secondly, I think you’re a bit paranoid. Maybe you were afraid of catching a grapefruit-related illness by touching the bottle, or even looking at the bottle. If you’re wondering if a food product contains a specific ingredient, there’s a very simple answer: look at the ingredients on the side of the bottle! Your main problem, however, is that you’re a complete and total idiot. Look at the fucking bottle:

snapple2.jpg

See these round, purple things on the bottle? They grow on vines. They are not a citrus fruit. They are sweet. They are commonly used in wine and jam. They are often found rotting away in the crisper drawers of refrigerators. THESE ARE GRAPES!

grapefruit.jpg

See these large, round yellow things in this basket? They grow on trees. They are a citrus fruit. They are especially tart. They are often found sprinkled with sugar on the breakfast tables of people over the age of 65. THESE ARE NOT FUCKING GRAPES!

So, to answer your question: no. Snapple Grapeade does not contain grapefruit juice. Thanks for stopping by, and be sure to say hello to Wendy the Snapple Lady on the way out.

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3 Comments

Filed under Frequently Asked Questions

3 responses to “Frequently Asked Questions: I Hope You Get Crappled in an Accident

  1. I dunno, man. The Snapple question board seems to be the hot spot for idiots (not of the east village variety). What is the US RDA? What is a trademark? Is there cholesterol in Snapple? How do you make those cool glass bottles? You have to be effing kidding me.

  2. Can’t say Snapple GrapeAde sounds too good to me.

  3. Wait – I thought grapes were just baby versions of grapefruits? No? Damn – I’ve really fucked up on my “Grapefruit 45” diet!

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