Questions I Want to Ask Potential New Roommates, Based on Experiences with the Roommate He Will Be Replacing

  • Does your entire diet consist of white bread, cold cuts, and protein shakes?
  • How many casual sex partners do you plan on having in your bedroom on a weekly basis?
  • What percentage of those casual sex partners do you meet online: (a) 100%, or (b) less than 100%?
  • What is your policy on hearing loud, rowdy sex noises? Is it consistent with your policy on generating loud, rowdy sex noises?
  • Does your sexual deviance suggest that I should not sit on your bed, out of fear of acquiring an STD?
  • A hypothetical question: if there were 15 people in the apartment drinking and socializing, would you (a) acknowledge their existence and greet them, or (b) lock yourself in your bedroom and slip out quietly when everyone is gathered in the living room?
  • Another hypothetical question: if I were to knock on your bedroom door, would you yell “come in” every time, despite the fact that you always lock your bedroom door for no apparent reason?
  • Do you wash used plastic plates and silverware in the dishwasher?
  • Do you consistently forget to put items back into the freezer that you removed, resulting in a puddle of melting popsicles on the top of the refrigerator?
  • Will it be revealed months later that you are obviously a 70 year-old woman trapped in a 25 year-old man’s body, given your use of Aqua-Net?
  • Did you know you could use your debit card like a credit card?
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42 Comments

Filed under As Seen On Gawker, Life in NYC

42 responses to “Questions I Want to Ask Potential New Roommates, Based on Experiences with the Roommate He Will Be Replacing

  1. Any chance you could post a picture of this AquaNet haired roomie?

    I’m envisioning a cross between a Beehive and a Perm.

  2. Did he leave or did you kick him out?

  3. Jeff

    Who has a dishwasher in East Village?

  4. Here’s some for you from my personal experiences:

    Do you identify yourself as a unicorn, or any other mythical creature?

    Do you wear a pony costume out in public from time to time?

    If I say to you, “sexy bunny lady,” do you think “Playboy playmate” — or “sexy bunny-lady”?

    What’s your views on bathing?

    Have you ever wanted to suck someone else’s blood out of their neck?

  5. Autumn

    Do you leave loose change around your room and bed, and then, as you randomly walk around the apartment or shower, do the coins drop off?

    would you describe yourself as someone who flushes the toilet?

    Are you REALLY employed, or are you just always home ALL THE TIME? (in this case he was not really employed. He just lived off the money we gave him for bills and rent. We got evicited)

    Good luck!

  6. rod

    1. Mostly protein shakes.
    2. Three
    3. b
    4. I don’t make loud rowdy sex noises, but cannot stop those I’m with. I’d rather you not make such noises as it will interfere with the audio as I videotape you.
    5. I own five sets of sheets and change them after every encounter.
    6. (c) Evaluate the crowd for fuckability and then act accordingly.
    7. My door would never be closed or locked, but I might often be naked, so deal.
    8. No clue how to use a dishwasher and now I’m wondering if I can afford this hoity toity joint.
    9. I really mostly eat protein shakes. Sometimes some sloppy joes.
    10. Ew.
    11. To, like, cut lines of coke?

    When do I move in?

  7. Do you plan on sleeping in every day until 2 in the afternoon, even though you try and get me to play poker with your buddies at 3 AM when I have a class at 9?

    Will you empty the fridge and fill it with beer on Friday, and have it all drunk yourself by the end of the weekend?

    Will you complain to me in a drunken stupor how you have no girlfriend yet say in the next breath how you just “boned” that hot chick you knew from high school and shove your finger up my nose to prove it to me?

    Yeah, good luck.

  8. Just to add to the list:

    If you don’t plan on spending anytime in the apartment except to sleep and well, eat do you plan on washing the dishes you eat or clean the shower or is it up to me because I sometimes hang out in the living room?

    Is your hearing adequate to hear your alarm clock turned up full blast or will I need to jimmie open your locked door and throw stuff at you until you wake up?

    Will you have a cow if I eat “your” package of ramen noodles even if I buy you more before you notice it is gone?

    …goodluck.

  9. Add these to ur list :

    Mind if i sleep with the girl u ve been dating for some time??

    Mind if i change the time in the alarm clock which u ve set to wake u up early in the morning that will be a very bad thing for me???

  10. Here’s one from my own roommate past:

    If your roommate had just been released from the hospital and your roommate’s significant other had selflessly come over to nurse your very ill roommate, would you take that as your chance to come out of your room in your underwear and attempt to seduce the roommate’s significant other?

    And would you also steal your ill roommate’s Demerol, completely keeping a poker face when the sick roommate, in great pain, who had not left the house since returning from the hospital, dragged around the apartment fruitlessly searching for the Demerol?

  11. From my personal experiences:

    – Are you unnaturaly obsessed with TV shows meant to entertain only people under the age of 13 or over the age of 60? (Walker Texas Ranger, Little House on the Praire, North and South [trust me, you don’t even want to know])

    – Will you keep the window open even when it’s 20 degrees outside and I have a chest cold?

    -Do you have qualms about walking in my room in the middle of the night, talking on the phone, dropping your keys, and then getting on your computer, and turning on one of the before mentioned TV shows?

    -Will you eat my cleverly hidden food when I’m gone?

    -Are you going to conspiculously spray air freshner in the bathroom every time your poop? (Everyone poops, okay, I’m over it.)

    -Are you going to turn off the lights in the room while my friends and I are still clearly in there and clearly awake?

    -When somehing of a tragic nature happens (i.e. the one person misses a deadline for newspaper) are you going to call every single person in your phone book and repeat the same story over and over again?

    -And finally, the strangest, will you move my towels out of the bathroom every single morning, without word or comment about why or whether or not you would perfer me not to put them on the towel rack of all places in the first place? [However, if I am looking, will you pretend like towel-moving never ever happens?]

  12. 1) will you knock on my bedroom door at 3am — waking both myself and my girlfriend — with an open wound on your lower leg, ask me if you can “borrow a band-aid” then walk back through your river of blood to your bedroom, then;

    2) will you leave it to me to answer the door when six police officers come knocking at 3:35am asking if someone just entered my apartment with a gash on their lower leg, then;

    3) will you, a few days later, ask me if you can “borrow a can of Raid” to kill some flies, and when I say “no” will you then say “air freshener’s good enough”, then;

    4) will you leave your bedroom door open as you spray my air freshener into a plastic sandwich bag (also probably mine), then cover your face with the bag and breathe in and out rapidly?

    Man. The laughs we had for those six months.

  13. When you leave the apartment for a week, do you plan on forgetting that you left you alarm clock at 6 AM on?

    Do you fall asleep in a drunken stupor and forget to put off you alarm clock on a Sunday morning, to wake me up every time you are still drunk to push the snooze button?

  14. Tanmay

    Why don’t you get married itself?

  15. Color me v. impressed that you can fit 15 people into your apartment!

  16. 1) Will you steal my food repeatedly and then try to convince me that I am in fact going mad and imagining that there was food there to begin with (despite half empty ice cream tubs and other packaging litter the home)?

    2) Will you complain to other housemates that you think I shower too frequently (once a day) even though I work in a hospital, and the people that you are complaining to also shower on a daily basis?

    3) Will you decide to stay locked in the (only) bathroom pampering yourself for hours making me wait while I have a stomach virus that makes me need to vomit?

    4)Will you on other occassions leave bathroom door wide open so we can all witness your wiping after using the toilet? (by the way will you use half a roll of toilet paper every time??)

    5) Will you decide that the toilet is too far away in the middle of the night and pee in bottles that you leave behind the sofa in the living room?

    6) Will you do the same as above, using my favourite cocktail glasses also?

  17. jennesis

    gee dude… nobody would want u as a room-mate!

  18. Wow. So detailed. I’ll keep this in mind =)

  19. Probable Sushi:
    “5) Will you decide that the toilet is too far away in the middle of the night and pee in bottles that you leave behind the sofa in the living room?

    6) Will you do the same as above, using my favourite cocktail glasses also?”

    Oh my God… I laughed for five solid minutes… holy crap. oh my God.

  20. It’s sounds like that piccadillycircus has had some experience with this kinda thing.

    The other suggestion that someone else pointed out sounds important, too. I’d clear up the ‘Do you like to poop with the bathroom door open” thing.

    The only other thing I’d ask would be regarding the “loud, rowdy sex noises.” I would clarify that by saying something about there being at least TWO people in the room. I don’t think I’d like to hear that knowing the roommate is alone. Why would it then be loud? Who’d he be trying to impress?

    -stjarna67

    p.s. This post cracked me up. While I have no idea what living in East Village is like, the roommate experience must nearly be universal.

  21. what if they’re a pretty girl who wears small shorts?

  22. Haha that’s just hilarious. Nice one ;)

    I am glad i’ve never had and probably never will have a roommate :)

  23. Karen ;-)

    1. When you arrive home drunk to find me drinking my few remaining beers with a friend in the living room after an (obviously) kick ass night on the town, will you stagger up the stairs to pass out only to have the cops knock on the door 5 minutes later demanding you pay the cabbie…who has been waiting outside since you told him “I’ll be right back, I have more money upstairs?”

    2. Will you, after trying to close the door on the cop, then insist “I PAID him already, I TOTALLY paid him,” as the policeman prepares to ticket and possibly arrest you?

    3. What is your definition of “shared” expenses? Does it include a.) TiVo b.) water c.) gas d.) nothing because I’m, like, totally always over at my boyfriend’s? And like, we only watch TV, like, on the weekends?

    4. When watching TV in a common area, do you a.) share multi-person seating areas, such as the couch b.) ask what all viewers would like to watch c.) offer to share the remote d.) all of the above e.) Look, like, we were here first…

    5. A quick story problem…you’re a female med school student (25 years old). How young is TOO young: a.) 24 b.) 23 c.) But like West Point, you know? Like they’re like, WAY more mature there…

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  25. What percentage of those casual sex partners do you meet online: (a) 100%, or (b) less than 100%?

    This is a crucial one…

  26. Holyhoses Rob

    Do you constantly shed a layer of tiny black hairs onto every floor and surface and leave other people to clean them up?

    Do you absolutely have to be the last person in the immediate neighbourhood to use the bathroom and go to bed, even if it means you are up wandering about the place until 3 in the morning every night of the week?

  27. Christopher- He sounds completely like my type! How come you never introduced us? Now that’s just being greedy.

  28. What percentage of those casual sex partners do you meet online, and can you give me the url because I’m looking for some casual sex at the moment, but not with you :)

  29. paurong

    How about consider these things: What are your standards on having a roommate or two? What are your expectations?

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  31. Kim

    1) Do you leave snotty tisues around the apartment (couch, kitchen, bedroom, floor, etc.) and then get an attitutde when you’re asked to clean them up?

    2) Do you preach to everyone everyday and try to convert them, even when they tell you they’re not interested?

    3) Do you eat your roomates food and refuse to replace it, and then get mad when they eat your food instead?

    4) Do you know what a sink is for?

    5) Do you pee in the bathtub and then not clean it out?

    Gotta love roomies. Yeah.

  32. I am like so too old to have ever had a room-mate that found sex partners on line (I had room-mates before there were computers). But I laughed and laughed at this post, and then thought “Gee. Roommates have not changed that much in 35 years.”

    Another question you should ask: Are you taking any antipsychotic medications and if you are, when you stop taking them are you going to freak out, decide to commit suicide by sticking your head in the gas oven with the gas on, change your mind, and then forget to turn off the oven thereby requiring the evacuation of the whole building?

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  34. “4. When watching TV in a common area, do you a.) share multi-person seating areas, such as the couch b.) ask what all viewers would like to watch c.) offer to share the remote d.) all of the above e.) Look, like, we were here first…”

    dude? if i WAS there first?

    a) word

    b) fuck you i’m watching something and you should shut up. if my show ends? your rules apply.

    c) it’s my tv but i really don’t care who runs the remote… but don’t fuck with my vcr when i’m taping… and i’m always taping which allows me to share the tv with grace…

    :)

    i would add
    if you come into a room and i’m obviously entranced with something do you start to blather inanely about your day and get offended if i hold up a finger to ask you to wait a minute?

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  36. Raygan

    A few others (Oh how I despise roommates)

    Will you bitch when there’s no toothpaste complaining that you bought the last tube, go 3 days without brushing your teeth because I hid the new toothpaste, then bitch because I didn’t get the right kind?

    Will you come in while I’M watching something, pick up the remote, then change the channel?

    Do you feel like you must chew me out for staying out until 6 in the morning?

    Will you please not use my bathrobe when you get out of the shower? It’s mine.

  37. max

    This is very funny. Best of luck with the new roommate.

  38. paurong

    looking back. have a nice day.

  39. batgirl

    1. Do you spend all of your money on crack so that I have to replenish the toilet paper for eight months straight?

    2. Would you ever leave a cooler of dirty, cave-cricket-filled water in the bathtub for three months?

    3. Do you plan to continue dating (and eventually marry) that skanky guy who has the chemical formula for LSD on his arm and who gave you chlamydia?

  40. 1. Are you absent-minded enough to leave perishable products in places they might, perhaps, perish? And if you do, hypothetically, leave an entire gallon of milk (minus a glass) out on the counter overnight — do you then blame someone else? Anyone else?

    2. Do you keep obscenely late hours playing MMORPGS at obscenely high volume?

    3. Do you ever “forget” to leave the porch light on for flatmates who may be returning after sunset? Do you also “forget” to leave on any lights in the house for those flatmates?

    4. Speaking of lights — do you know enough to turn them off when you’re through using them? Or, in the event that your more courteous flatmates have left lights on for you when you come home after sunset, do you know enough to switch them off before you retire to your computer or your bed?

    5. Do you own and operate your own mode of transportation? If not, do you expect that your flatmates will be willing and able to chariot your ass everywhere?

    6. Do you get pissy if and when your other flatmates have friends over? Do you claim your pissiness is warranted because you weren’t “warned” that there were guests approaching and that the arrival of said guests apparently requires your banishment to your room?

    7. Do you plan on calling your mother over every time you have need of something?

    8. Do you know better than to leave your flatmates’ towels hanging over a wet shower curtain?

    9. Do you do your own dishes?

    10. Do you do housework, period?

  41. Nella

    Do you regard taking your key when you leave the house as a)an optional extra or b)essential?
    Do you regard shutting the front door, which opens onto the street, as a)optional or b) essential?
    Is the responsibility for your inability to access the house a)yours for not taking your key out, b)your flatmates’ for callously shutting the front door, locking you and any potential burglars out, or c) your flatmates’ for thoughtlessly being out of town when you lose your key yet again?

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