Completely Harmless: A Chronology of My Brushes with the Law

police_badge.jpgOne of my friends said to me the other day, “you seem like the type that has a wild streak in you.” I told him that I’m a lot more reserved than people think. I’m not one to walk on the wild side all that much, sans blacking out drunk at a New Year’s Eve party, skiing a double-black diamond ski slope, or walking through South Williamsburg at 3:30am. 

Well, I’m all about clearing the air with my blog. So to prove to you how tame a person I really am, here is a list, in chronological order, of all of my brushes with the law.

October 1992: At 10 years old, my friends and I decided to bike into this wooded area in Cranston, Rhode Island, where I grew up. The cops followed us in their car, and we scattered after they used their P.A. system to tell us we were trespassing.
Result: no charges pressed, a good workout in getting the hell out of the woods on my bike.

August 1999: In the first of only two traffic stops in my life, I am pulled over for going 65mph in a 45mph zone on U.S. 23 in the small town of Dillard, Georgia.
Result: a $125 speeding ticket (most likely going to fund two signposts for a new “Welcome to Dillard” sign), an empty wallet for my entire first semester of college.

September 2002: The Ithaca College Police knock on my door and bust a get-together in my dorm room attended by a whopping total of four people. While we had been drinking wine all night, the cops searched my refrigerator to find two precious unopened 12-packs of Molson Canadian I had a friend buy for me earlier in the night.
Result: 24 very, very empty bottles of Molson, their contents poured into the bathroom sink by a nearly-sobbing Chris while the cops watched. To this day, it ranks as the most tragic squandering of alcohol I have ever witnessed.

March 2006: While moving my belongings back to New York from Burlington, Vermont, I am pulled over for going 48mph in a 30mph zone in Ticonderoga, New York in my mom’s minivan. I am already extremely embarassed that I am driving a minivan, and I am even more embarassed that my mother is in the passenger seat.
Result: a warning by the cop, who spared me a 4-hour drive full of apologies to my mom; a very slow, sobering drive through the Adirondacks.

See? I am not a risk-taker. The air has been cleared, and I hereby declare this entry adjourned.



Filed under Life Before Blogging

3 responses to “Completely Harmless: A Chronology of My Brushes with the Law

  1. I don’t know many guys – even the ones who aren’t so wild – who have gotten away with being pulled over and have only gotten a warning. I’ve been pulled over twice, and the most recent one was so close to my home and on Father’s Day. She (lady cop!) let me go with a warning. The first time, it was a guy who pulled me over, but – honestly! – I did not intend to burst out crying when he came up to my window. I swear.

  2. baredfeetandteeth

    Lol…I got off the one time I got pulled over for speeding by making the cop laugh. It was a speed trap and I just about took out his partner. Whoopsidoodle. He asked me what I thought I was doing, and I said, ‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Ace of Bass just gets me going’ (they were on the radio…)

    2 Parking tickets in a week when I was living in Vancouver, a 40 of Vodka dumped on the side of a back road on my way up a mountain and a unit showing up at my house and accusing me of calling in death threats to my high school principle round out my own brushes with the law.

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