To the employee of Goldman Sachs taking home the average holiday bonus of $623,418 this year:
I bet you’re thinking, “what don’t I already have?” You’re probably thinking about buying a yacht or an outrageously expensive car or perhaps a share in a private jet. Maybe you’ll be buying a second – or third – or sixteenth home. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll invest it; not bloody likely, since you work in the markets and could earn that much money just by sneezing.
So, rather than blow all that money on yourself, why not spend it on someone less fortunate? Like… me. I’m not asking you to buy me a Aston Martin or a condo in Aspen. I could make your investment worthwhile. Invest in my education: your bonus could off all my student debt 20 times over. Invest in my blog: you could fund a billboard for my blog in Times Square – and the cost to use a male model to keep my ugly mug off of it. Invest in enriching lives: your bonus could send me and 10 of my friends on an around-the-world boozefest – we’ll just call it a “fact-finding mission.” Invest in my livelihood: your bonus could pay for 6,234 blowjobs at a Montreal strip club, tip included, and they’d probably throw one in for you, too.
Come on, seriously. What are you going to do with all that money? Money doesn’t buy happiness.
Actually, no, it does. That’s why you’re laughing all the way to the bank, while I cry every time I open my wallet.
Thanks for nothing,