Hot and Bothered

On a weekly basis, I am bullied by gay men. No amount of muscle mass will help me defeat these bullies. I feel helpless to stand up to these bullies. And where do I run into these bullies? The steam room at my gym.

steamroom.jpgI use the steam room every now and then during the winter. It’s good for my dry skin this time of year. It’s very relaxing. Unfortunately, it’s also apparently a very homoerotic experience. Gay patrons of my gym find something arousing about sitting in a steam-filled room with six other guys whose private parts are separated from you by only a towel. I tend to find that part a little uncomfortable, but it’s a reality I can deal with.

But just about every other time that I go in the steam room, I’m bullied out of the steam room by something else. As people enter and leave the room, there seems to be a game of musical chairs that goes on: some guys move around, shift their bodies, shift their towels, and then… um, shift their junk. This doesn’t just happen by coincidence; I think I know what it looks like when another man intentionally exposes himself to me. And thanks to the steam room, I also know what it looks like when a man rushes to get himself off another man’s lap. When I walk in on two men humping like rabbits (but… uh… the kind of rabbits that don’t procreate), I feel like I have no business being in the steam room.

There are certain rules that my gym has in place that I’m willing to forgive people for breaking. No cell phones in the locker room? Unless you’re pointing a camera phone at my bare ass, I don’t really care. The 30-minute limit on cardio machines? If you’re at 30:05, I’m not going to be a time Nazi and kick you off. No swearing? Tell that to a guy who has dropped a 45-pound barbell on his foot.

But if there’s one rule I would like to be enforced at my gym, it’s the no sex in the steam room rule. Considering how frequently I witness it, I am shocked that it hasn’t been stopped. Is nobody willing to say anything? If it’s overlooked like every other rule at my gym, the Steam Room Gang must have the upper-hand. Now I wonder, if I say anything, will the Gay Mafia be after me next?

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54 Comments

Filed under Life in NYC

54 responses to “Hot and Bothered

  1. Why not enshue the steam room for the sauna? Surely the sauna patrons are less randy…?

  2. >>>will the gay mafia be after me next?

  3. Wow, I hope you stay out of the showers…I’ve heard things.

  4. regardless of homo/heterosexual, who does that! i’m all for sex with strange men but even a slut like myself has BOUNDARIES. take it to the chlorinated pool or something.

  5. V

    “Gay patrons of my gym find something arousing about sitting in a steam-filled room with six other guys whose private parts are separated from you by only a towel”

    Is it that hard to figure out, idiot? If it was co-ed and filled with women in towels, you’d be just as befuddled, right? Wrong. Jackass.

  6. rod

    bully back bro.

    i’m a total ‘mo and what i do is cough. cough like i’m contagious. gets them right out.

    granted, you’ll still end up sitting in a pool of sperm, so double towel it.

  7. V: I was merely stating the obvious. Jackass.

  8. Edna Welthorpe

    V’s got it right. You say you know what it looks like “when a man rushes to get himself off another man’s lap.” So . . . now you’re mad because they *stop* having sex? They shouldn’t do it even when you’re not in the room?

    Evidently — it’s hard to tell because this is such a whinefest — nobody’s actually HAD sex in front of you. They just look like they either were or want to. So maybe the answer here is GROW UP.

  9. I’m gay and this never happens to me. I hear story after story, but I’m completely oblivious.

    Nonetheless, yuck. If I were you, I’d wear one of those tee shirts with a cartoon lady’s body on it. Nothing will make those guys go limp faster than 2 big, pencil-sketched boobies.

    Also, why is Edna Welthorpe reading this blog? Whinefest? Really, “Edna?” Is it so wrong for a man to be comfortably unbothered by promiscious dudes in a gym for which he pays a monthly fee?

  10. Darkwaters

    I’m with the coughing approach, because you know as soon as you report it, the gym’s going to close down the steam room. Which is why most of the steam rooms in most of NY’s mixed (hetero/mo) gyms are closed.

    Just cough and hork like a 19th opera heroine with consumption. It’s what steam rooms are for anyway. There are plenty of places for anonymous gay sex.

  11. Vinny "Da Sausage" Bagodonutz

    As a card carrying ‘mo who would rather eat Maureen Dowd’s dusty cooch than have sex with a stranger I can’t see in a room with 6 other guys, I have to say that this doesn’t read homophobic to me beyond the silly first few sentences, and maybe the last one.

    To the author, I ask – what would you do if this happened on a subway, elevator, or department store fitting room? Doesn’t it occur to you to say “‘Scuse me, I’m sure you don’t realize it, but your junk is out.” Or, a general “Do you mind?”, which will only be taken by the offenders as “no takers”? A note to the management requesting regular spot checks by the staff isn’t out of order either.

    Don’t worry about the Gay Mafia. We’re too busy with Ann Coulter right now to whack you.

  12. 3rd vote for the cough solution, and i am also a proud, out gay male, and the idea of steam room sex with [any gender of] strangers is vomit-making to me.

  13. V

    “V: I was merely stating the obvious. Jackass.”

    And yet it’s not so obvious to you that you don’t whine like a little bitch about it. Boohoo, clueless straight boy can’t get any gaysex free time in the steam room. I hope you get gang banged next time you go in for a steam.

  14. hell's kitchen guy

    Dude, judging from your picture, the only way you’re getting hit on by Manhattan gay gymbunnies is in Bizarroworld.

  15. tony

    I agree with you totally, both as a gay man and a gym member. I go to the gym for one purpose, to work out and release some steam (no pun intended) and get the hell out of Dodge. I’m a good-looking guy but i just can’t stand to be cruised while i’m at the gym working out. You should say something to both the gym and the dirty whores in the steam room.

  16. tete rouge

    V and Edna: “Hi, I don’t know what sarcasm is, and I like to comment on blogs.”

  17. Jack Durden

    Dude–I’m a MO and I hate dealing with this. And I go to the Gayest Place on Earth to work out–David Barton Gym in Chelsea–so it’s a part of my morning, too.
    Just go in, find a seat, put a towel over your head, and think of something else. They will either get weirded out and leave or do their business, but either way you won’t have to see it. (I know a guy at David Barton who wears his I Pod in the steam room, but that seems dangerous.)
    But dude–double towels are totallynecessary.

  18. Edna Welthorpe

    > Really, “Edna?” Is it so wrong for a man to be
    > comfortably unbothered [sic] by promiscious
    > dudes in a gym for which he pays a monthly fee?

    I didn’t say anything of the kind, and you’re a jerk for implying it.

    The man said he was “bullied,” not “comfortably unbothered [sic].” Bullied by men who STOP HAVING SEX when he enters the steamroom. Bullied by men who rearrange their genitals. Which means 99% of hetero America would leave this dude shitting in his pants.

    This is too whiny for kindergarten, let alone the East Village.

  19. Nick

    I, too, am a gay man and a gym member – and the locker room completely skeeves me out!! You’d think that gyms in midtown would be safer from sex in the steamrooms, but nope! Not quite the NYSC in Chelsea… but still, don’t need to see that!

  20. mg

    As another, gay guy responding, I have to say that I am extremely disturbed….by all the other gays self-inflicting themselves with the term ” ‘mo “. Probably originated with some feisty lady-comic and now has unfortunately been appropriated by the gays. Maybe it’s a Chelsea thing.

    Oh yeah, as for your ‘problem’, I wish I had that issue at my East Village gym, but its locker room is barely able to fit 5 guys. Ah well. I vote for the loud coughing. Don’t forget, the thrill of getting caught is hot, but the fear of being thrown out of the is terrifying.

  21. daniel

    Just stop going to Crunch?

  22. Thanks, hell’s kitchen guy! I really needed to be taken down a few notches. Asshole.

    Edna: If I’m to understand your argument, you’re perfectly fine with gay men having sex in the steam room, as long as nobody’s watching?

  23. Bacon

    Look, it’s not homophobic to not want to be in a room full of people getting off with each other. Sorry, it’s not. I also think by “bullied” he meant that he was met with open resentment upon entering the steamroom. I might find that threatening too. Remember, one is in a rather vulnerable position in a steam room (naked, basically). Also, you have the right to demand that people not fuck in a public place, a place you pay money to belong to.

  24. TedK

    Yeah – I’m gay and this bothers me too. Dudes can do what they want, but have some respect if there are others in the room.

    Although a little mystified at how you’re confused that gyms allow this. Think about who represents a big part of the gym-going demographic in this city. Now think how popular that gym would be if it were known to have a Steam Room Stasi.

    Keeping up?

  25. Edna Welthorpe

    On a weekly basis, I am bullied by black men. No amount of muscle mass will help me defeat these bullies. I feel helpless to stand up to these bullies. And where do I run into these bullies? The subway.

    I use the subway every day to get to work. It’s quick and it’s cheap. Unfortunately, it’s also seen as a good opportunity by black guys to play their new rap CDs on their oversized boomboxes. The rule is no boomboxes on the subway, but they don’t care! They play their damn rap music, with no regard to any of the other riders, and that’s just not fair. I hate the way these dudes are pushing me around.

    There are rules that I’m willing to forget. Lean against the doors? Fine. Eat dinner during your commute? No big deal. But if there’s one rule I want enforced, and that’s the no radio rule.

    Considering how frequently I witness it, I am shocked that it hasn’t been stopped. Is nobody willing to say anything? If it’s overlooked like every other rule in New York, the Black Subway Gang must have the upper-hand. Now I wonder, if I say anything, will the Black Mafia come after me next?

  26. Do only gay men comment on blogs? Oh God, I can’t let my mother know.

  27. Unfortunately, it’s also seen as a good opportunity by black guys to play their new rap CDs on their oversized boomboxes.

    Edna, 1985 called and they want their boomboxes back.

  28. Edna: Wow, how creative! You twisted my words to try to call me a homophobe and a racist!

  29. I have gone to nysc for over 5 yrs, and used half a dozen of their steamrooms. For 5 yrs I have heard of makeout sessions happening in the steamrooms, but never have I witnessed anything that u report. I guess I go too late or too early, thankfully. Sure, I have gone in and feel as if I just broke something up. I look like a cop or health inspector, so maybe that has shielded me from witnessing bunny rabbits hopping off each other in the cloudy steam rooms. What grosses me out is that I do not want to have to accidentally sit on or step in the sticky liquid remains of these steamy sex sessions. Why are they doing it at the gym? I guess they have a bf, gf, wife, or partner back home, and a steam room is cheaper than a hotel room and safer or at least warmer than their building’s stairwell.

    If you keep walknig in on these things, just knock first before u go in so that they interruptus their coitus, or clip your toenails as you sit in the steamroom like other psychos do.. That always scares other people away.

  30. There should be a rule on EVI that says commenters have to read at least five other entries before opening their mouths and sounding like total jackasses. But then I wouldn’t be entertained by folks like V and Edna Welthorpe who doesn’t even know what her own point is.

  31. meaghan

    In defense of chris, I firmly believe that his point was to be against sex in a (relatively) public place and less against the fact that the participants are of the same sex. I’d be totally grossed out if I walked into a steam room (or a bank, or a bathroom, or a stairwell, or a…well, you get my point) and two people were having homo- OR heterosexual relations. I guess I’m just the sort of girl who thinks, hey, maybe some things are best left behind closed AND LOCKED doors.

  32. Edna Welthorpe

    > There should be a rule on EVI that says commenters
    > have to read at least five other entries before opening
    > their mouths and sounding like total jackasses.

    Okay, I read five. And I’m totally changed. I’m wearing a horrified expression now.

    >> In defense of chris, I firmly believe that his point was
    >> to be against sex in a (relatively) public place and less
    >> against the fact that the participants are of the same sex.

    I totally agree: he didn’t intend to be homophobic.

    Here’s what I should have posted, to save myself a few hundred words: You don’t like it? DON’T LOOK. That’s the mantra New York lives by, and if you suddenly forget it when confronted by horrifying gays or blacks or gypsy amputees, you’re going to look like an idiot.

    Bullies. You are so totally bullies. I’m going to write all about you on my blog.

  33. “….But if there’s one rule I would like to be enforced at my gym, it’s the no sex in the steam room rule.”

    LOL….i agree.

  34. Icarus

    Look at it this way: Soon they’ll all get AODS and die. I cannot even join a gym, because there’s too many fags there. I called CRUNCH last week to price membership. My hope was I’d find one without a lot of fags. Guess whom I got when I called to inquire? A fag! I couldn’t exactly say, “I want to join, but…are there a lot of fags there??”

  35. Peter

    Re: Edna Welthorpe’s comment

    …You don’t like it? DON’T LOOK. That’s the mantra New York lives by, and if you suddenly forget it when confronted by horrifying gays or blacks or gypsy amputees, you’re going to look like an idiot…

    Makes perfect sense. Gawking at any activity makes you look like a fresh-off-the-boat or a provincial rube. In New York City, that’s gonna mark you as an easy target for any kind of bullying.

  36. Edna & Peter: I’m sorry, I guess I should just suck it up like a real New Yorker. After all, REAL New Yorkers don’t look, and they have no problem sitting and stepping in someone else’s semen… ’cause, you know, New Yorkers are totally hardcore like that.

    Icarus: Either your sarcasm went over my head, or you need to get some serious help.

  37. CrimeNotes

    Here’s what I should have posted, to save myself a few hundred words: You don’t like it? DON’T LOOK. That’s the mantra New York lives by, and if you suddenly forget it when confronted by horrifying gays or blacks or gypsy amputees, you’re going to look like an idiot.

    Hey, asshole, you know what makes you look like an idiot? Getting a fucking handjob at the fucking gym.

    As far as your fucktarded “mantra” (do you even know what the hell that word means?) that “New York lives by,” it could justify anything. According to your thinking, cross-burning is perfectly acceptable because if you don’t like it, you “don’t look.” The more accurate “mantra” that “New York lives by” is that you exercise a high degree of tolerance and do your own thing unless you mess with someone else’s space, in which case anything goes. Sitting in some asshole’s jizz while visiting a gym qualifies as intrusive.

    Kindly shut the fuck up.

  38. Dude, I feel your pain. It actually sucks because the saunas/steam rooms at some gyms were closed for so long because of, er, incidents. I never really notice anything when I go in the steam room/sauna now, and I assume it is because at the end of the day, nobody wants them closed again.

    Also, just because I don’t notice much, doesn’t mean it doesn’t go on. Whenever I go in the steam room, if things seem strange, I just go for the cough and don’t make eye contact…If they are doing anything they will know you are not interested, and probably just move to the sauna, leaving the steam room to yourself.

  39. mb79

    I feel your pain. i was in the sauna at my gym and this guy came in whips off his towel and starts doing YOGA!!! WTF. after 30 seconds i bolted. NO CONSIDERATION.

  40. bad sauna

    Chris, I hear ya… I have never gone into the steamroom or sauna for exactly this reason. I also think it is unfair that gays can cop a look whenever they want while in the locker room (hell, if they we’re co-ed, I’d be doing the same thing!); but, given all the other inequities they have to face, I guess this inevitable double standard isn’t too bad.

    PS- Edna, you’re a royal tard.

  41. Just wondering, does the same stuff happen between chicks in the Women’s sauna/steam rooms?

  42. meaghan

    FitFiend:
    No. No, it does not.

  43. I left crunch because of the same thing in the steamroom there, then joined the printing house only to have the whirlpool closed because people were having sex in it.

    Can people just not have sex in the steamroom / gym? How would you feel if I just pulled out a playboy and started jerking off?

  44. I say that the next time this happens you walk in, sit down and do something equally awkward.

    Like trim your toenails.

    Or moo like a cow intermittently.

  45. Try going into the steam room and reading aloud from the Bible, especially Romans chapter 1. I suspect one of two things will happen:
    1) They will barter a trade – no more sex if you don’t read
    2) They will beat the tar out of you and then sue you for hate speach…

    Either way, you’ll shake things up… :)

  46. did you ever consider changing gyms, and thats disgusting vd anyone

  47. I think that sex in the steamroom is just tacky..whether it’s two guys or whatever. Get a room already. ;-)

  48. iheartblackeyes

    The gay mafia is coming for you….run, run , RUN!

  49. Richard

    you know, being a gay man, i totally agree with you. its just a sad reality. but what to do? at my gym, they had security in there at one point. but now, it just goes unnoticed. i think its an issue of convenience. one day enforced one day not. so anyway, good luck, and the gay mafia, screw them…lol

    wow, maybe the gay mafia may come after their own. scared…

  50. damewigginsoflee

    Thanks for this, i’ll just be calling a psychologist now.

  51. I’ve always wanted to see two dudes such each other off. Please submit name of gym. Thanks.

  52. LOUD NOISES!!!!

    What’s the fucking nature of a blog?! Seems to me that it’s a forum where the pseudo anonymous blog author (if you know said author only through his blog, you’re most likely not going to be in the same physical space as this person and therefore, anonymity) can express an opinion, a phobia, air grievances, vent, and bitch, bitch, bitch. The space where good stuff can happen is in the pseudo anonymous dialogue (unless you define yourself in such a way that everyone will know who you truly are i.e. “Milton Waddams, mwaddams@intellitech.com“) that could happen when said author poses a question to the forum. The annoying, infantile, trite, and absolutely self-obsessed stuff happens when said author is lambasted for expressing an opinion, a phobia, airing a grievance, venting, and bitch, bitch, bitching. It’s like being mad at a golden delicious apple because it’s yellow or complaining that a Red Sox fan is self-righteous; you’re angry at the article or entity because of its inherent qualities. That’s intellectual lethargy. More than that it’s boring. And fascist. Do you get off on calling names? Go work in right-wing talk radio. Do you feel superior for anonymously tearing down another anonymous person? That’s just sad. Oh, and the e-scolding and shame-shaming, yikes, become a playground supervisor. Happy Friday everyone!

  53. Pingback: Does this happen in the Women's locker room? « Feed the Fiend!

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