Welcome to Round 2 of March Radness on eastvillageidiot.com. Starting today, we step it up a notch. With four key matchups on the docket today, there’s bound to be some trash talking. So, let’s get started with the Markowitz Region today.
Game #1: (1) Billyburg Hipsters vs. (9) Ikea in Red Hook
Ikea: Grr! Look how big and blue I am! Every second of every day, I sell more furniture than you can fit in the apartment your mommy and daddy bought you!
Ikea: Look how much precious New York City real estate I’m taking up! Fuck you and your trust fund! Even a hundred of you and your parents couldn’t afford to take me on!
Ikea: I’m gonna bury you in all my toxic soil!
Ikea: Could you be any more ambivalent?
Hipsters:Whatever. Ikea sucks.
Ikea: That’s better.
Hipsters: Eh. Go back to Sweden and, like, hang out with Bjork.
Ikea: She’s from Iceland. Nice to see that college degree being put to use. How’s that job treating y… oh, wait, you don’t have a job!
Round 2, Game 1 – Markowitz Region: Voting Over!
-> (1) Billyburg Hipsters 38
-> (9) Ikea in Red Hook 62
Game #2: (5) McCarren Pool vs. (13) The L Train
L Train: This is Lorimer Street. Transfer is available to the G Train.
McCarren Pool: Haha, you hang out with the G Train? That is so unhip. I’m so cool. Look at me… being called a pool! But I have no water! I’m so ironic.
L Train: This is a Manhattan-bound L Train. The next stop is Bedford Avenue.
McCarren Pool: Manhattan? Man, that place is sooo over. You’re goin’ down, L Train! Sonic Youth and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs gots my back. And Clear Channel, too! Put that in your tunnel and smoke it!
L Train: Stand clear of the closing doors, please.
McCarren Pool: Ooh! Your big steel doors! I’m so scared! I’m all concrete. One giant, concrete slab. It would take your MTA workers five weeks of jackhammering to bring me down. I could take you down with one sick passenger.
L Train: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an important message from the New York City Police Department. Keep your belongings in sight at all times. Protect yourself. If you see a suspicious package or activity on the platform or train, do not keep it to yourself. Tell a police officer, or an MTA employee. Remain alert, and have a safe day.
McCarren Pool: Shit, the cops are here! We don’t have our noise permits! Everybody, run! They’re gonna shut us down!
Round 2, Game 2 – Markowitz Region: Voting Over!
-> (5) McCarren Pool 36
-> (13) The L Train 64
Game #3: (11) The F Train vs. (14) Develop Don’t Destroy Brooklyn
F Train: Your organization’s name is grammatically incorrect.
DDDB: Who the hell are you? You’re probably part of the vast conspiracy to steal our land. Ratner put you up to this, didn’t he?
F Train: Hey, I’m just tryin’ to spare you some embarassment. I’m on your side. I know Coney Island. I know Borough Park. I chill with Park Slope. I’m down with Carroll Gardens. I’m all about the real Brooklyn, man.
DDDB: Yeah, but I’ve heard you hang out with Manhattan and Queens, too, you Yuppie Scum!
F Train: Whatever. You’re just jealous because I’m way cooler than you. I’m an institution. If you can’t take down Ratner, there ain’t no way you’re takin’ me down.
DDDB: Hey, we’re cool! We’ve got celebrities on our board! Like Jonathan Safran Foer!
F Train: Who?
DDDB: Heath Ledger!
F Train: Great, you’ve got a gay cowboy. Good for you. You must be proud.
DDDB: Rosie Perez!
F Train: Oh, there you go. I’m down with Rosie Perez. She’s the real Brooklyn. She even shops at Target.
DDDB: She shops at Target?
F Train: Yeah, this kid Chris, who writes the blog we happen to be trash-talking on right now, saw her shopping at the Target on Flatbush Avenue a couple years back.
DDDB: Bu… bu… but… Ratner built that Target! That backstabbing Latina bitch!
F Train: Go start a protest.
Round 2, Game 3 – Markowitz Region: Voting Over!
-> (11) The F Train 81
-> (14) Develop Don’t Destroy Brooklyn 19
Game #4: (7) East Williamsburg vs. (2) Park Slope Moms
Park Slope Mom: Hello, would you like to sign this petition? No Way One Way!
East Williamsburg: Traffic? We don’t care about that.
Park Slope Mom: Are you sure? I’ll give you this organic fruit bar for your kid.
East Williamsburg: I don’t have a kid. Kids and my ‘hood… they don’t get along very well. Now, can you move your stroller out of the way so I can get by?
Park Slope Mom: We’re just trying to stop the city from endangering our children. If the cars can move faster, families could be torn apart by untimely hit-and-run accidents!
East Williamsburg: There’s no traffic where I come from. Maybe a few trucks, but not much else. There’s no reason to come to my hood. And don’t tell anyone. We don’t want it to be like the other Willamsburg… or this shithole.
Park Slope Mom: Hey, that wasn’t very nice! Please don’t use that kind of language around my baby! We’re trying to raise her in an safe, happy, and pollutant-free environment! And you just polluted her ears!
East Williamsburg: Shut your motherfucking mouth, you hippie cunt bitch! I’m outta here.
Park Slope Mom: Yeah, hurry up and go back to your soulless neighborhood before the rats infest your apartment, hipster scum!
Round 2, Game 4 – Markowitz Region: Voting Over!
-> (7) East Williamsburg 40
-> (2) Park Slope Moms 60