It’s the last day of Round 2 of March Radness on eastvillageidiot.com.
Click here for the latest updated bracket. Yesterday’s winners included The Meatpacking District and Anderson Cooper, both in overtime. In addition, in the Isiah Region, Cow Bell Man, Tiki Barber’s TV Anchoring, The Knicks in a Fistfight, and Jeter/A-Rod Sleepovers moved on to the Sweet 16.
Now, here’s our final set of matchups for the round of 32. The Sweet 16 begins tomorrow. Vote away!
Game #1: (16) Rats at Taco Bell vs. (8) Fat Pedestrians
Rats at Taco Bell: Look at us! We were on TV! And we knocked off a #1 seed! We rule!!!
Fat Pedestrians: Yeah, we’re coming to get you.
Rats at Taco Bell: Like hell you are. No poison can stop us now! Plus, we’ve got The Plague on our side. We’ve killed a few people in our time, you know.
Fat Pedestrians: Here I come to get you!
Rats at Taco Bell: As long as you’re not a bloodthirsty health inspector, I’m not worried.
Fat Pedestrians: Ugh, walking is hard work. I can’t move. Hold on, I need to take a break.
Rats at Taco Bell: You know, we could just run away right now.
Fat Pedestrians: Oh, oh, oh, don’t worry. I’ll get you. Eventually. I just need a break. Ooh, look at that Taco Bell across the street! It’s so shiny!
Rats at Taco Bell: You’re joking, right? Oh my God. You’re getting up to go to Taco Bell.
Fat Pedestrians: This hurts. I think I’ll hail a cab.
Round 2, Game 1 – Bloomberg Region: Voting Over!
-> (16) The Rats at Taco Bell 60
-> (8) Fat Pedestrians 40
Game #2: (12) The Second Avenue Subway vs. (4) The Line at Trader Joe’s
The Second Avenue Subway: …
The Line at Trader Joe’s: …
Unfortunately, it appears as though neither competitor could make it to the pre-game show today.
We think the Second Avenue Subway will show up late. Or never show up at all. Or maybe they’re start to come over here, and then stop for a bit because they run out of money, then tease us for a couple decades, then finally arrive many years later, looking like they gave a half-assed effort to show up in the first place. We’ll see.
The Line at Trader Joe’s could not make it, either, because we don’t believe that anyone has actually ever made it out of the line there. The customers of Trader Joe’s are forced to stand in front of the cheese section or sampling station for hours on end, only to realize that they will never be able to pay for their $2.19 box of cereal and carry it home in a fashionable paper bag. Alternately, it may just be scared that a 71,000 square-foot grocery store opens today just a few blocks south.
We apologize for the inconvenience, but New Yorkers have made due without either of these things for generations. Deal with it.
Round 2, Game 2 – Bloomberg Region: Voting Over!
-> (12) The Second Avenue Subway 59
-> (4) The Line at Trader Joe’s 41
Game #3: (11) The Line at Shake Shack vs. (3) Chipotle
The Line at Shake Shack: Oh, boy, a generic burrito place. I’m SO scared.
Chipotle: You know, I would be scared. In midtown, my lines get as long as yours at lunchtime almost every day, ALL YEAR LONG.
The Line at Shake Shack: Midtown? Pfft. Whatever. Midtown sucks. Those people have no taste. No wonder they eat your shit. They probably shit a brick afterwards, too.
Chipotle: That’s not fair. They pay good money to eat my big-ass burritos. They wouldn’t keep coming back if they blew out their asses every time they ate it.
The Line at Shake Shack: There’s a thousand calories in one of those things!
Chipotle: Like you should talk! You sell burgers and fries.
The Line at Shake Shack: And concretes! And milkshakes! And beer!
Chipotle: We’ve got beer, too. Bite me.
The Line at Shake Shack: You suck.
Chipotle: Your fries suck more.
Round 2, Game 3 – Bloomberg Region: Voting Over!
-> (11) The Line at Shake Shack 41
-> (3) Chipotle 59
Game #4: (10) The Bridge & Tunnel Crowd vs. (2) Duane Reade Cashiers
The Bridge & Tunnel Crowd: All right, who I got next?
Duane Reade Cashiers: Next on line, step down.
The Bridge & Tunnel Crowd: Who the fuck is this sloppy bitch?
Duane Reade Cashiers: Next on line, STEP DOWN!
The Bridge & Tunnel Crowd: Yo, are you retarded? If you tryin’ to mess with me, you say “step off,” dumb bitch.
Duane Reade Cashiers: NEXT ON LINE, STEP DOWN!
The Bridge & Tunnel Crowd: Don’t you start with me. You don’t wanna start with me. I know people.
Duane Reade Cashiers: Debit or credit?
The Bridge & Tunnel Crowd: Uh, I think they debit. Or credit. Or… what the fuck are you talking about? Are you messin’ with me?
Duane Reade Cashiers: NEXT ON LINE, STEP DOWN!
Round 2, Game 4 – Bloomberg Region: Voting Over!
-> (10) The Bridge & Tunnel Crowd 53
-> (2) Duane Reade Cashiers 47