It’s been a while since I’ve dubbed someone the Idiot of the Week, but this woman really deserves it. After the drubbing that she’s given us over the past few weeks, I think that Mother Nature is very much deserving of the honor of this week’s Idiot of the Week award.
First of all, have you looked at a calendar lately? Because I’m pretty sure Mother Nature hasn’t. I don’t know if she can even read a goddamn calendar, because it was warmer on Christmas than it was on Easter. It was warmer for most of March than it’s been in April. I don’t want someone who can’t read a calendar to be responsible for controlling the weather! Seriously, I figure she’s gotta be pretty old. Maybe someone should get her a new pair of glasses. Mother Nature is probably one of those stubborn old ladies who won’t let her children put her in a nursing home when she really shouldn’t be sitting around at home on her own.
Maybe Mother Nature isn’t a big Cleveland Indians fan. Baseball season started, and an entire series of games was snowed out in Cleveland. Hell, they moved the Indians games to Milwaukee this week, and guess what? It snowed in Milwaukee! Seriously, who can’t love that ragtag group of misfits who have gone back to their old “potential-subject-for-a-movie-about-a-disasterously-mismanaged-baseball-team” ways? There’s always the potential that Mother Nature is a Yankees fan. After all, it was about 35 degrees during a Red Sox-Rangers game in Texas last week! Yeah, she could’ve helped the Yankees out in terms of gametime temperatures last week, but there’s only so much you can do when the league is stupid enough to schedule six home games in New York City in the first week of April.
Then there’s my other theory: Mother Nature is a Republican. After all, she’s a spirit, and a lot of Republicans claim that they’re “spiritual people.” So, she must be fucking with Al Gore. She’s throwing him a curveball, so the next time he debates a Global Warming skeptics, all they have to do is fire back with, “well, it snowed in April! How can you explain that, Mr. The-World-is-Ending?”
So, thanks, Mother Nature, for being my Idiot of the Week. And thanks for letting my spring wardrobe sit in the back of my closet for another month. Oh, and you can be sure that I’ll be bitching about you again when it’s 105 degrees with 90% humidity in July.