Gentlemen: It’s Warm, and They’re Out

You know what I’m talkin’ about, guys.

Wait, no! Get your minds out of the gutter. We can save the ta-ta conversation for another day.

dogbag3.jpgThis weekend, it suddenly got warm, and out of nowhere, it appears as though the canine population of the city has increased tenfold. On Saturday, I couldn’t walk more than a few yards without passing a dog and its minder on the sidewalk. I would use the term “master,” but in New York City, it appears as though humans are subservient to their dogs.

Seriously, dog owners in this city are absolutely nuts. Now, I like dogs, but not to the point where I will cater to their every need, like $200 groomings, skin exfoliation treatments, and nutritional counseling. Yes, and don’t get that precious fur dirty on those stinky, dusty dog runs! That’s the place where every one of their neighbors’ dogs will try to hump each other, because they all live in tiny apartments and have no other means of expending their energy. That’s why they were all outside last weekend: at last, the dogs were liberated from their holding cells on the 14th floor of a luxury doorman building. No dog should have to live like that! That’s animal cruelty!

dogbag.jpgAnd thanks to the apparent need to display their dogs as ornaments, the New York city dog owner’s needs apparently include doggie strollers (because your dog is too good for walking), gourmet dog bowls, and couture doggie sweaters. They will carry their little dogs in those stupid little bags. They will insist on their rights to take their dogs into stores, the subway, and restaurants. Restaurants? Last I checked, dogs eat manufactured food out of bowls – not fresh field greens off of plates.

This nutjob actually had the nerve to write into Eater this week:

What’s up with BR guest restaurants and there sidewalk seating policy? No dogs allowed? C’mon, this is a joke. My dog was urinating in the same area 2 days ago and now we can’t enjoy a drink outside. I am referring to both Atlantic grill and 3rd ave Dos Caminos. Why this ridiculous policy? An example was that my dog was in a bag not making a peep and some jerk employee from Atlantic grill ran up a said “I know you have a dog in that bag” I thought “who cares I’m sitting outside”, wrong! We were not able to sit outside so maybe you can ask someone over there “what’s there freaking deal”. Please post this on your website so animal owners are aware.

Are you kidding me? You have a dog in your bag at a goddamn restaurant! I don’t care if you’re outside or inside, that’s disgusting. If you’re going to go out drinking, LEAVE YOUR DOG AT HOME! I especially love how she says “we can’t enjoy a drink outside.” Your dog is not enjoying a drink – you are! In case you forgot, your dog is an animal. It is not sitting in the chair across from you, sipping a martini and gossiping about your hot date last night. 

These people are seriously batshit crazy… no, dogshit crazy.



Filed under Life in NYC

9 responses to “Gentlemen: It’s Warm, and They’re Out

  1. (In fakest of fake Russian accents)
    Another example of those stupid Americans, eh Comrade???

  2. Hilarious!!! I totally agree that it’s disgusting. Leave the accessories at home.

  3. okay, i have a dog. a westie. she thinks she’s a big pitbull, but, she’s a ten pound westie that rides the train sitting on my lap, usually lying on my lap, sound asleep. she’s far better behaved than most of the children and all of the drunks and panhandlers.

    i walk my westie and my employer’s pitbull…at his meanest he’ll shed on you….every day though soho and tribeca. we walk by the designer dogs in their little bags, with the leashes that match their minder’s dresses, as they glide by on their heels, cooing to some yappy furball, upset because an eatery asked them to leave, not understanding that their overbred bit of canine oddness is still a dog. I stride along in my flats or cowboy boots, the dogs in their ratty, soiled leashes, easing past the plastic and the monied.

    in the end, they do what i do… pick up their dog’s poo.

    poo, it’s the great equaliser.

  4. weirddreamer

    Wow…unbelieveable…I have never ever seen a dog in a bag over here. The idea of it is laughable. We walk our dogs in the parks, pick up their shit with special council sanctioned shit bags and god forbid you are crazy enough to take a dog to a restaurant or bar…unhygenic! except for guide dogs…they are the exception.

  5. if i made you dinner at my apartment would that be disgusting? because a dog lives there. i bring my dog everywhere and i don’t think it’s crazy or weird because i like her company better than most people.
    Also, she is probably cleaner then any hipsters in a bar so its not unhygenic.

  6. also, dogs are like cheese… they make everything better so basically your wrong and dogs should go everywhere. that would be awesome. i feel very strongly about this issue.

  7. Pingback: contemptster » Blog Archive » Don’t Just take Our Word For It: It’s Spring Again.

  8. I am really split on this one. I have two dogs, a chihuahua and a lab mix. I am disgusted when I see people carrying dogs in designer bags, dressing them up in ridiculous outfits etc. I treat my dogs like dogs- take the lab to go swimming, kayaking, soccer in the park, running. And sometimes, if the restaurant allows it, I’ll bring her to an outside cafe and have her sleep at my feet. But I would never expect that she would be welcome wherever I demand she be- many people are allergic to dogs or scared of them. (Especially directed at ratbloodonher) There is a difference between inviting people over to your place and having your dog at a restaurant. When I invite people over to eat, they know that I have a dog and are prepared to deal with her. Other customers at restaurants may not be prepared for that. It’s like being invited to someone’s house- if they invite along your dog as well, you can bring your dog. But if they don’t ask you to, you leave the dog at home.

  9. Monkholiday

    I’d rather see smelly-diapered, yelling, squealing babies and children, who are also not having conversation over their martinis, banned from all restaurants.

    Until then I’m bringing my well-behaved dog to a restaurant near you. Vive la France.

    Just a reminder – you’re a smelly mammal and your mom probably cooed in your face, as well. Disgusting.


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