My Coolest Friend

I have a friend. She’s a little expensive to keep as a friend. She’s not particularly needy, but she spends a little too much time at the pharmacies, possibly flirting with other guys. On the outside, she seems a little stiff. But on the inside, she’s cool as a cucumber.

She also has a freaky streak. She’s always in my pants. She’s really, really good in my pants. I love it when she’s in my pants. And I never want her out of my pants. On the subway, at the gym, out for a run in the park, even at work… and especially on a day like today. When it’s 92 degrees, hot, and sticky outside, I want my friend to throw a party in my pants all day long.

Meet my good friend… Gold Bond.



Filed under Life in NYC

20 responses to “My Coolest Friend

  1. Rob

    Like a thousand little elves tickling away. today is definetly an extra strength goldbond day.

  2. e

    can someone explain exactly what this stuff does?

  3. I’m with e. What does this stuff do, anyway?

  4. Jesus, you don’t know about baby powdering downstairs? Somebody clue in these freakin’ no-names.

  5. e and cherry, you gotta powder down there when it’s this ungodly uncomfortable outside if you want that “fresh all day feeling”. gold bond is where it’s at!

  6. Christ. You and my brother should get together and have lunch. He waxes poetic about this shit as well.

  7. Even better is plain old corn starch. It’s like powdered silk. There’s nothing finer.

  8. when I read the title, I thought, “Hey, Chris finally decided to write about me!” I continued to think that until “She’s always in my pants.” That’s when the dream died.

  9. Doesn’t Gold Bond burn your balls?

  10. Rob

    You have to build a tolerance. I suggest not jumping right into the extra strength. Once you get used to it, it’s glorious

  11. Does that stuff work in boxers too?

  12. Todd – I speak from experience. Absolutely. Even in boxers: the more, the better.

  13. In that case, I got’s to get me some Gold Bond!

  14. Kim

    so that’s why my guy roommate keeps large containers of that in our bathroom…life is making so much more sense now…

  15. And you shall henceforth be known as PowderNuts.

  16. This is the kind of friend you want to introduce to everybody around you.

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