Things I’d Be Able To Do This Week If I Had An iPhone:
- Search Google for a nearby bar that would be appreciated by a bevy of drinking buddies, rather than invite 20 of them back to my apartment to drink (note: my apartment comfortably seats 3).
- Despite lacking a boombox, provide a spontaneous playing of Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” through the speaker on my phone.
- Record video of a group of obese tourists who tried to shove their way onto a downtown Q train at rush hour today before anyone could get off the train, then immediately upload it to my blog to publicly shame them.
- Show people my phone and have them bow down to me on command.
Things I Wouldn’t Be Able To Do This Week If I Had An iPhone:
- Chastise iPhone owners for spending exorbinant amounts of money on a device that will be substandard in six months, despite the fact that given six hundred dollars, I too would spend exorbinant amounts of money on a device that will be substandard in six months.
- Not worry about the fact that I’m carrying around a phone that costs ten times as much as my vital organs would on the black market.
- Take out my cell phone in public without gathering a small crowd.
- Afford to eat, because I just blew a week’s salary on a cell phone.