This week’s Time Out New York has their “Summer Drinking Playbook,” which details a step-by-step process by which an amateur pickup artist can get laid at several different bars in New York City, based upon the unique amenities of those bars.
Most amusing of the bunch was a guide to 230 Fifth, a bar with the ability to attract every douchebag and douchebag-lover in Manhattan on a hot summer night with $9 beers and $12 well drinks. It’s the place to find people who like to be seen drinking overpriced drinks by people who like to watch people who like to be seen drinking overpriced drinks. It’s also the place to find women who still haven’t realized that their obsession with Sex and the City creates visions of unreasonable pick-up scenarios that will never materialize, even at a bar where some douchebag will throw down his card for bottle service. I cannot believe they actually call this place a “bar.” It’s a shitshow.
A good friend of mine threw a birthday party there last month at 11pm on a Saturday night. I flat-out refused to go. She was offended that I wouldn’t even give the place a go for her birthday, but she later confessed that everyone who attended was outraged by how crowded and expensive it was, and they quickly fled to a Murray Hill bar – not a huge improvement, but in that neighborhood, beggars can’t be choosers.
Rather than take a play out of Time Out New York, here’s my step-by-step guide to going to 230 Fifth and picking up a girl.
Step 1 Stand in line for nearly a half an hour. Since you already hate this place, find a couple of females in line who are waiting to get in. They will undoubtedly be complaining about the wait, because they’re probably wearing uncomfortable clothing. Flirt with them and complain about the wait in line yourself. If flirting is unsuccessful, move on to Step 3.
Step 2 If your flirting is successful, suggest in the elevator that you guys “take this somewhere more fun.” If their reply is, “OH! Sure! You mean, like, someplace like… Cain, right? Let’s go,” bail out immediately. The only other likely response is one of disgust, but you were never serious, anyway, because a positive response to an offer to go home with two girls within 10 minutes of getting into a bar would merely be a red flag that they’re probably prostitutes.
Step 3 Walk up to one of the two bars. Ask for a Bud Light draft. Place $5 on the bar – and a $1 tip. When the bartender tells you it’s $9, laugh hysterically and walk away.
Step 4 Go back downstairs to the street. Hail a cab. Tell them to take you to any of the shitshow college bars in town where the [few] girls are incredibly, incredibly easy (suggestions: Down the Hatch, The Big Sleazy, Jake’s Dilemma, Bar None). Buy every girl in the bar a drink with the money you’re saving by not drinking at 230 Fifth. They will be your best friends all night, and you will draw the ire of every fresh-out-of-college fratboy around you.
Step 5a By the end of the night, if you can’t find a way to get laid by the female patrons at one of the aforementioned bars, you need more than a “Summer Drinking Playbook” to help you along.
Step 5b If you manage to take a girl home, congratulations. Now, you will suffer the consequences. Nurse your hangover back to health. Get tested. Don’t feel bad for yourself, because you voluntarily went to 230 Fifth. You deserve it, you prick.