A Solution to Manhattan’s Congestion Problem

elderly.jpgI went to grab some lunch this afternoon. As I first passed by the hotel outside my office, a man was flagging drivers over on the street and blocking off a lane of traffic on a major crosstown artery. Why? Because a massive load of elderly people were filing onto a coach bus, with its door facing out into traffic.

Ten minutes later, I returned from picking up my lunch. I walked by the hotel, where the same bus was still loading its elderly passengers and blocking a lane of traffic.

Ladies and gentlemen, the solution is simple: we must solve Manhattan’s congestion problem by imposing a maximum age for entering the island. By the time you reach that ripe old age, you begin to stop caring about the concept of time. Time is a concept that is near and dear to the heart of every New Yorker. Letting these people into our city disrupts our entire way of life! 

I suggest the age of 65 – roughly the time our visitors begin to lose their mobility, memory, and bodily functions all at once. Just think of how many slow pedestrians, senior services vans, Elderhostel tour buses, Metamucil delivery trucks, and ambulances will be taken off our streets! Manhattan will be peaceful again!



Filed under Life in NYC

10 responses to “A Solution to Manhattan’s Congestion Problem

  1. Before anyone else says it: I know. I’m going to hell.

  2. As I native New Yorker, I call this phenomenon: Street Rage. I don’t have issues behind the wheel, but, while walking, I often find myself cursing the elderly. Or thinking: “This, is a sidewalk. WALK being the operative word. Now get your sagging ass out of my way.”
    Then, the guilt.

  3. I couldn’t agree more. Can we go ahead and ban them from IKEA as well?

  4. AMEN! And can we set an age minimum too so that we don’t have to deal with a. strollers and b. toddlers who walk at the pace of a snail?

  5. Also lots of rent controlled housing would free up too…

  6. Chris, Chris ,Chris……you little devil…..

    THAT’S SOOOOOO MEAN!!!!! okay, I live in Honolulu, and we get tourist of ALL AGES, NATIONS, ETC. walking slowly through Waikiki, and believe me it drives me NUTS….

    But the age thang is gonna HAPPEN to all of us, so ROLL WITH IT :) next time, take your lunch and GO HELP THOSE PEOPLE get on the bus, if more people gave their TIME, instead of OPINION the streets would flow better….

    okay, I guess it’s my turn to get it!!
    p.s. I think you are a FUNNY FUNNY GUY, and love the blog….but this time, I had to stick up for those who can’t.

  7. Hopeless Drudge

    The real solution for the congestion problem is just to widen the sidewalks back to where they were before World War II. That would both create more space for pedestrians, and a disincentive to drive in the city.

  8. quin

    wait, grasshopper, wait.

    and, when i hand you that beer… hope i haven’t spit in it first.

  9. sigh. I’ve actually thought this before, too, while walking down Manhattan streets.

    I’ll see you in hell.

  10. Old Lady walking slooowly

    I agree. You ARE going to hell.

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