Some strange magazines end up in my company’s bathroom stalls. But when I went in yesterday and the only reading material available was a copy of the Dental Tribune (The World’s Dental Newspaper!) on the floor, I went for it. Among the advertisers, I found these three gems.
Flavored Latex Exam Gloves
Kids today have it way too easy. When I was a kid, I had to suffer through the gross, chemical-laced, rubbery taste of my dentist’s gloves when he messed around with my mouth. And just my mouth, okay? He wasn’t one of those creepy dentists.
Crayola-Branded Fluoride Paste
You know, because the first thing I think about when I think of my flouride treatments are CRAYONS! Especially when the crayons are going to be applied to my teeth! How colorful!
Dental Exam Preparation Videos on a Pre-Loaded 20GB Video iPod
This really takes the cake (a sugar-free cake, of course). One of the testmonials in the ad completely blew my mind:
“I just had the opportunity to use the gIDEPod yesterday. A flight I was on was delayed for 5 hours in Phoenix. The time just flew by!”
Yep. There’s nothing more fun than watching videos of oral surgery for 5 hours. You have to wonder if dentists are inhaling their nitrous oxide on the side.
Things I’d Be Able To Do This Week If I Had An iPhone:
- Search Google for a nearby bar that would be appreciated by a bevy of drinking buddies, rather than invite 20 of them back to my apartment to drink (note: my apartment comfortably seats 3).
- Despite lacking a boombox, provide a spontaneous playing of Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” through the speaker on my phone.
- Record video of a group of obese tourists who tried to shove their way onto a downtown Q train at rush hour today before anyone could get off the train, then immediately upload it to my blog to publicly shame them.
- Show people my phone and have them bow down to me on command.
Things I Wouldn’t Be Able To Do This Week If I Had An iPhone:
- Chastise iPhone owners for spending exorbinant amounts of money on a device that will be substandard in six months, despite the fact that given six hundred dollars, I too would spend exorbinant amounts of money on a device that will be substandard in six months.
- Not worry about the fact that I’m carrying around a phone that costs ten times as much as my vital organs would on the black market.
- Take out my cell phone in public without gathering a small crowd.
- Afford to eat, because I just blew a week’s salary on a cell phone.
Here’s a nifty weekend project for you, with five simple steps:
1. Buy a bookshelf from Ikea, $24.99.
2. Buy one foot of leather books from the Strand Bookstore, $150.
3. Buy a mahogany-scented candle from Nooks & Niches, $25.
4. Install the bookshelf, place books on bookshelf, and light candle.
See that? Real Simple ain’t got nothin’ on me.
The view from my seat at Shea Stadium:
As far as we could tell, this guy was trying to find a WiFi connection. He closed his laptop about 30 seconds later, so we can only presume that there were either no networks present, or Shea Stadium’s neighbors secure their wireless networks out of fear of 50,000 laptop-wielding Mets fans trying to leech off their Internet connection.
Filed under Geekery, Sports
At right: Apple iPod Shuffle, $79. Can play audio files in full stereo sound, display battery life remaining, and store up to 1GB of data with included USB adapter.
At left: Diesel Watch DZ1120, $150. Can tell time.
The New York Yankees announced yesterday that The Rocket will be returning to New York and signing a minor-league contract worth $28 million. What do rocket scientists think?
“A rocket for $28 mill? Pfft. Must be a one-stage rocket. That won’t get them very far.”
“Did you hear all that noise in the Bronx yesterday? That was the sound of the combustion of propellant, the escape of exhaust through a nozzle, and the upward thrust of the engine.”
“The fact that the Yankees claimed to ever have The Rocket to begin with just goes to show how pompous the team’s management is. Where’s their launch site? Who was the crew? I don’t buy it.”
“Let’s hope this Rocket is more like Apollo 11 than, say, Apollo 1.”
“I heard The Rocket came from Houston, so it’s gotta be the best in the business… as long as NASA didn’t work on it.”
“Even the most advanced rocket science can’t help solve the Yankees’ bullpen problems.”
“Everyone knows The Rocket belongs in Massachusetts, back where it got its start! You know, where the first liquid-fueled rocket was launched!”
Filed under Geekery, Sports
New England Journal of Medicine: Dangerous Deception — Hiding the Evidence of Adverse Drug Effects in Bed
JAMA: Fetomaternal Cell Trafficking and the Stem Cell Debate: Gender Matters in Bed
American Journal of Psychiatry: Correlation Between Extraversion and Regional Cerebral Blood Flow in Response to Olfactory Stimuli in Bed
The Lancet: The SANAD Study of Effectiveness of Carbamazepine, Gabapentin, Lamotrigine, Oxcarbazepine, or Topiramate for Treatment of Partial Epilepsy: An Unblinded Randomised Controlled Trial in Bed
British Medical Journal: From the Frontline: Medicine: More Than a Career for My Daughter in Bed