Category Archives: Life at Work

ISFW: Inexplicably Safe For Work

There’s a serious double-standard going on in my office, and I need to address it.

You see, my particular part of my industry is very much dominated by women. And then, in order of priority, gay men. And then, finally, straight men.

spears.jpgI’ve got nothing against teh gayz. But for the past week, one of teh gayz, who has a desk that faces the most public area of our floor, has had a wallpaper for his computer desktop that should ruffle some feathers. He is apparently a huge Britney Spears fan, because he has a massive image of her on his desktop – topless, against a wall, with some serious side boobage going on. If this wallpaper was displayed on a straight male’s workstation, it would be grounds for immediate dismissal. But because he’s just one of the girls, it’s completely acceptable.

I mentioned this to a co-worker and came up with a hypothetical situation:

“Okay, let’s say a client comes into the office and sees that picture on his computer,” I begin.

“Right,” she says. “Clients don’t come over here often, but go on…”

“…and let’s say the client doesn’t know that he’s gay,” I posit.

“Oh, no,” my co-worker says sternly. “No, no. That would never happen. There’s not a single person on this earth whose gaydar wouldn’t go off within a hundred feet of him.”

I don’t think that makes it right, but apparently, I’m fighting a losing battle here.



Filed under Life at Work

To The Unidentified Caller

workphone.jpgYour caller ID comes up as “Incoming/801.” That means you’ve blocked caller ID. Every time you call, you listen to my outgoing voicemail, which lasts a good 15 seconds, and then hang up, leaving me with a voicemail that simply contains a very audible “click.” This has occurred on a near-daily basis for at least three weeks.

I’m going to give you some bad news. You will never get my live voice on the phone. Not in a million years. There are too many “unidentified” calls that I picked up early in my career that literally resulted in a complete waste of an hour of my otherwise busy workday.

You have two options:

1. Leave me a voicemail explaining who you are and why you are calling me. Since there’s a 99 percent chance that you’re a sales person, I’m assuming you are skilled in doing this. It’s called a pitch. Stop balking.

2. Concede defeat and stop calling me. You will not win this war.


Filed under Life at Work

The Sheer Brilliance of Our Summer Interns

Intern 1: I don’t know what I’m doing for lunch. Do you think, like, Japanese food is cheaper than sushi?
Intern 2: Aren’t they the same?
Intern 1: I don’t know. I figured they cost about the same, but I’m not sure.
Intern 2: No, I mean, sushi is Japanese.
Intern 1: Huh? It is? What do you mean?

The rest of the conversation was drowned out by the sound of me banging my head against my desk.


Filed under Life at Work

Fire Drill

firealarm.jpgWe just had our first fire drill in a few months here at the office. I don’t mind these, but I’m baffled by the process. The alarm sounds, and we are told to report to the elevator lobby on our floor.

There are easily 150 people working on my floor. They force us all to stuff into a 200-square-foot room that is about as far away from a fire exit as we can get so a “fire safety inspector” can tell us that in the event of an actual fire, we should use fire exits – not the elevators.

Now, I may not be an expert “fire safety inspector,” but isn’t that a serious fire hazard?


Filed under Life at Work

This Blog is Stall-ed

Multiple-Choice Question: Which of the following publications was not on the floor of a men’s restroom stall in my office this afternoon?


The answer… c.

And yes, I actually read about bird migration while sitting on the can this afternoon. I shit you not.

Pardon the pun.

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5 Things Currently in My Cubicle That Are Not Serving Their Intended Use

I get a lot of free stuff at work. Here’s where most of it ends up. 

1. Small Scale-Model of Shea Stadium
Intended Use: Marveling at the wonders of 1960s-era stadium architecture, expressing your loyalty to the New York Mets
Current Use:


Storage for my stress ball

2. 12″ Ruler
Intended Use: Measuring things, drawing straight lines
Current Use: 


Substitute for human finger

3. Making the Most of Your Money by Jane Bryant Quinn
Intended Use: Informative reading material that will make you a more financially-stable individual – completely revised and updated for the twenty-first century!
Current Use:


1,066-page footrest

4. Coffee Mug
Intended Use: Holding large quantities of a liquid that will stain my teeth
Current Use:


Holding items that will keep aforementioned liquid from staining my teeth

5. Wal-Mart Tractor Trailer Pez Dispenser
Intended Use: Candy storage
Current Use:


Constant reminder that I have exhausted my supply of Pez and cannot purchase it in New York City at everyday low discount prices


Filed under Life at Work

It’s Intern Season

To: All Employees
From: The Management
Re: Summer Interns

In the past week, you may have noticed that there are dozens of fresh faces roaming the hallways of our building. These quasi-employees are eager to learn/observe/sit on the internet all day for school credit, and they’re occupying every available nook and cranny of our office. While interns pretty much amount to slave laborers, we want to treat our interns with at least a few ounces of respect.

Because of certain events in the past in which young interns became the objects of employee affection, we would like to make you aware of some extra measures we have taken in order to discourage “summer flings” with this year’s crop of interns.

To begin, we have hired both high school and college interns to serve in this office over the summer. However, we will not tell you which ones are which. As a gentle reminder, New York State’s age of consent is 17.

As has been the case in the past, some of this summer’s interns are the sons and daughters of upper management. This year, we have taken steps to protect their identities by changing their last names on their employee IDs and nameplates.

In addition, we will also ensure the chastity of our interns by instituting a new summer dress code. Beginning Monday, our female interns will be wearing festive company-issued burkas in our corporate colors. Because of this, office services will be maintaining our air conditioning at a comfortable 54 degrees, so we recommend bringing in a parka to wear around the office for the summer months.

Thank you in advance for your understanding regarding these additional measures. We hope that you will join us in making our interns feel welcome in our workplace. Just, you know, not too welcome.


Filed under Life at Work