Category Archives: Life in NYC



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Tuesday, July 9, 2013 · 11:31 am

In Which I Break Down and Write About Crocs


 I think it’s become abundantly clear that the entire city of New York hates Crocs. They cast them off as an ugly trend in footwear reserved for bandwagon-jumping local yokels from flyover states. They insist that they have no useful purpose – especially not in New York.

I, too, was among those who detested Crocs. I saw no need for brightly-colored decorative plastic footwear with holes.

Then, one day earlier this month, I got a pair of Crocs.

(Note that I did not buy a pair of Crocs. They were given to me as a gift from a sales rep at work. I was actually slightly offended by the gift. I was embarassed just to carry them home.)

One night later that week, just to entertain myself, I finally put them on. I was incredibly disappointed – disappointed in how comfortable they were. I didn’t want to take them off. It was like little plastic gnomes were massaging my feet with every step.

On vacation in New Hampshire, I wore my Crocs every single day. I basked in the comfort of their soft plastic soles. I let my feet feel the breeze through their ventilated holes. I even wore them to a bar. Nobody scoffed at them. Nobody pointed out my unsightly footwear. Nobody said a word about my Crocs. You see, everyone in New Hampshire understands that while Crocs are not particularly attractive, they are functional.

Seriously, New Yorkers. What the hell is your deal? Why you gotta hate on Crocs? I would think that New Yorkers would be ones to understand that things can be ugly, yet functional. Hell, this entire city is “ugly, yet functional.” Just look at our subway system: ugly, yet functional. Look at the Queensboro Bridge: ugly, yet functional. Look at the Meatpacking District: ugly, yet… actually, that’s a bad example. The Meatpacking District is completely dysfunctional.

You will never see me walking through Union Square in Crocs. I will not be the scorn of swarms of you overly-fashion-forward New Yorkers. But I will pity you, because you just don’t know what you’re missing.


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Friday Funnies: Everywhere You Look

Okay, so, I couldn’t go through the weekend without sharing this with my dear readers. It’s not exactly funny, but it’s definitely unexpected.

I’ll be filing my reports from New Hampshire next week. I’ll be busy vacationing with the French president.


Filed under Life in NYC

An Important Message from the MTA

service.jpgMTA New York City Transit

Service Alert

Posted on:8/8/2007 4:27:05 PM

Due to a single droplet of water falling from the sky mistaken for rain that was actually condensation from an air conditioner in a 17th floor apartment, there are delays on the following subway lines:

1.jpg trains are running between 14th Street and 18th Street in both directions.

2.jpg and 3.jpg uptown trains will terminate at 96th Street, as they are afraid to go into Harlem.

4.jpg, 5.jpg, and 6.jpg trains will be making two loops around Central Park before getting you to your destination, because they need some fresh air.

7.jpg trains are enjoying a hot dog and beer at Willets Point-Shea Stadium and will resume normal operation once the game is over.

a.jpg, b.jpg, c.jpg and d.jpg trains are not running at all, because they really just don’t have time for your crap today.

e.jpg trains are running express in Manhattan, enjoying the nice cool breeze they get from going 30 miles an hour.

f.jpg and v.jpg trains are stuck in some neighborhood in Queens that you’ve never heard of.

g.jpg trains are currently experiencing an inferiority complex and will not run until further notice/counseling.

j.jpg, m.jpg, and z.jpg trains are running normally, of course, since nobody ever uses these trains.

l.jpg trains are running between Princeton Junction and Hoboken. We really can’t explain how they ended up there.

n.jpg and q.jpg trains are currently running on the Cyclone track at Coney Island-Stillwell Ave.

r.jpg and w.jpg trains are feeling nostalgic right now, and are currently running over the Brooklyn Bridge.

s.jpg service is suspended between Times Square-42nd Street and Grand Central-42nd Street. You can just walk. You do have legs, don’t you?

We would apologize for the inconvience, but we like to watch you suffer. Thank you for riding with MTA New York City Transit!


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Silver Lining

ltrainsign2.jpgMy commute sucked this morning, and so did just about everyone else’s. But I think we need to take some joy in this thought:

At one point this morning, the L train was not running. The G train was not running, either. On top of that, car services in North Brooklyn were reporting up to 90-minute wait times. So, during that period between about 7am and 10am this morning, hipsters from Williamsburg could not get to Manhattan.

And I believe our city is better because of it.


Filed under Life in NYC

I’m Trapped.

subentrance.jpgHello there! I’m the New York City Subway System! I get you from point to point easily and efficiently. I have hundreds of stations across all five boroughs, spanning miles and miles of track that have served New Yorkers for over a hundred yea…

Oh, what’s that you say? What do you have there? Oh, it’s a bottle of water?

OH MY GOD! NOT WATER! AHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME! AHHHHHHH! HELLLLLP ME! Even though water is a completely natural occurrence in this city, which just so happens to be bounded on nearly every side by water, WATER IS HORRIBLE!!! Even though I tunnel under and bridge over massive bodies of water, WATER IS POISON!!! GET THE WATER AWAY FROM ME! HELLLLLP!


[Since when did New York City become Los Angeles’ sister city by freaking out and completely shutting down during every fucking rainstorm?]


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New York Companies Currently on My Shit List

1. 1849 Bar

If you need to advertise your bar, your bar probably sucks. If you need to advertise your bar through the use of illegally-posted stickers plastered on every parking meter and lightpost on my block, which is six avenue blocks from your bar, your bar must be desperate.


2. Burritoville

I maintain that this place is the most authentic Mexican restaurant in New York. Without fail, every time I’ve gone here, within 30 minutes, I am in agony on my toilet at home. Somehow, they captured the essence of Mexican drinking water and brought it to New York to use in their food.

3. My Local Bodega

I will not call my bodega out by name, because I live and die by its convenient location just two doors from my apartment. But I was quite disturbed to learn of last week’s price increase in the two products that I purchase the most from the place: gum and candy. I would take my business elsewhere, but the combined 35 extra cents I’d be spending on this stuff is probably not worth walking two blocks to the next bodega. So, in protest, I’m bitching about it on my blog instead.

4. Duane Reade

They must be stopped. On Friday, I witnessed a sight that I thought was exclusive to Starbucks: a Duane Reade – directly across the street from another Duane Reade. This phoenomenon takes place at the corner of 57th and Broadway. Duane Reade is quickly becoming the next Starbucks… only Duane Reade’s employees are ten times more surly and one-tenth as cheerful.


5. Chase Bank

Number of drugstores I passed in a four-block walk on Saturday during which I was having an allergy attack: 0

Number of Chase Bank locations I passed in a four-block walk on Saturday during which I was having an allergy attack: 4


Filed under Life in NYC