Category Archives: Vermont Memories

All Vermonters are Sex Offenders in Wisconsin

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If you live in Vermont, you might want to think about cancelling your road trip to Wisconsin:

Wisconsin’s worst sex offenders would have to drive around with bright green license plates, possibly for the rest of their lives, under a bill a Republican lawmaker introduced Monday. He picked green because children associate it with Mr. Yuk, a symbol designed to warn children of poison.

Personally, I think it’s a ploy by dairy farmers to keep Vermont cheese out of “America’s Dairyland.”

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More anti-Vermont fodder

As if I needed another reason I’m glad I moved back to the city from Vermont. I just got this picture message from my old roommate:

His caption? “This dude’s truck has balls.”

Oh, and naturally he’s sitting in traffic. Probably the fault of another stupid Vermonter who doesn’t know how to drive.

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The incredible self-healing cell phone

I had heard cell phone horror stories before, and swore that I was far too responsible to break my cell phone. I didn’t need to write down all my phone numbers! I would never lose my cell phone!

All that came back to haunt me on Saturday night. In the midst of my brief trip up to Vermont, I got wasted at a party and dropped my cell phone.

I have to come clean… or come dirty, as the case may be. I told everyone that I dropped my phone into a puddle of water. That water happened to be in a toilet. I was THAT GUY who tried to talk on the phone while standing at the ready. Luckily, I dropped my phone before I could get down to business, so when it fell in the toilet, I instinctively jumped for my phone, sticking my hand right down into that nasty water. Would I have done the same thing sober? Probably.

The phone seemed pretty much done for. The light on the flash of the camera was lit. The phone was vibrating constantly (was I getting a call? I don’t know. I pressed “send” and nothing happened). It would not STOP vibrating, and I couldn’t turn it off. I even smashed it against the sidewalk to make it stop. That seemed to do the trick.

I panicked. I had no phone. Nobody could call me. My lifeline was gone. Sunday morning came, and my phone was still useless. I posted to Myspace asking my friends to send their phone numbers to me. I put up an away message on AIM.

Then, this morning, when I had resigned myself to the fact that I would have to blow $200 on a new cell phone without a new contract, I plugged it in, and everything was back to normal. The phone numbers were there. The drunk photos from the party were there. The text messages and voice mails from people wondering where I disappeared to were there.

It’s a damn shame in a way. I’ve been looking for an excuse to get a new phone. But for that brief 36 hour period, I felt disconnected from the world. And I will now keep a list of phone numbers saved on my computer. And I might print it out, too, in case I ever drop my laptop into the toilet.

Oh, and to prove to you that any logic I had went out the window on Saturday night, here is a “before and after” sequence of me doing a shot of pure melted butter:

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10 things, revisited

Before I returned to the city from my little “sabbatical”, I listed 10 stupid little things I missed about New York. Did I really miss them? Let’s review.

1. The Mr. Softee song
To be honest, I did miss it. I gave up ice cream for Lent. When I was finally ready to break Lent after Easter, I heard the Mr. Softee song outside my apartment, and ran downstairs like a child shouting, “Ice cream man! Ice cream man!” Of course, whether or not the product that Mr. Softee serves actually constitutes ice cream is questionable at best.

2. Hearing 3 foreign languages spoken at once
That’s fine, as long as they’re not all being spoken to me at once.

3. The falafel shop on Bedford Ave. in Williamsburg
Closed.

4. The other falafel shop right across Bedford Ave. from that one
…now has a monopoly on Williamsburg’s late-night falafel market. And was clearly better to begin with.

5. The protest du jour in Union Square
Very obnoxious. I actually stopped once to speak with a girl who was trying to push her cause on me and donate to it. I agreed, but said I was a little strapped for cash at the time. I now walk through Union Square trembling at the thought that I may run into her again.

6. How any beverage you buy at a bodega looks alcoholic after it’s bagged
Apparently, the bodegas in my neighborhood have cut down on costs by eliminating the little paper bags for every beverage. Now everyone has to know that I’m drinking Sparks Light in public.

7. The busker on the G train that only sings “Lean on Me”
I still miss him. I used to live in Brooklyn. I live in Manhattan now. I have no need for the G train… and I hope to never have a need for it for as long as I shall live.

8. The “stand clear of the closing doors, please” guy
But not that bitch on the 4/5/6. She’s so mean. I’ve always thought it would be cool to have celebrities do the automated subway announcements. Mr. T says, “stand clear of the closin’ doors, foo.”

9. Dive bars in Williamsburg that serve 32 oz. beers in styrofoam cups
Please, I am so past that hipster phase.

10. The chicken pad thai at Thai Cafe in Greenpoint
Just as I won’t travel all the way to Sheepshead Bay for roast beef, I will not travel all the way to Greenpoint for Thai.

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Things that I think they teach in driver’s ed in Vermont

1. Always obey the posted speed limit. In order to properly obey the speed limit, you must travel at least 10 MPH under the speed limit. If the speed limit is 30, go 20. If the speed limit is 40, go 30. If the speed limit is 55, go 30.

2. When coming to a four-way stop, insist that everyone else at the stop sign go before you do. Even if they got to the intersection 15 seconds after you did.

3. You must always turn a corner at no more than 5 MPH. Turning any corner faster than that will make your car fall apart.

4. Red means stop. Yellow means yield. Green means slam on your brakes in the middle of the intersection.

5. Yield to pedestrians. No matter where they are. If they’re standing on the side of the street in the middle of a block, stop in your tracks and let them cross.

6. Cyclists have the right of way everywhere. Unicyclists are particularly exempt from the rules of the road.

7. Passing zones are meant to be used to overtake slower traffic on two-lane roads. Don’t ever use them.

8. Putting 100 bumper stickers with environmental messages on your car reduces drag and improves gas mileage.

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Retronome sucks.

In Burlington, there are many choices for nightlife. But among the two most popular are Metronome and Rasputin’s. On Saturday nights, they host their 80’s dance party, called “Retronome.” On all nights, including Saturdays, Rasputin’s is more of a traditional dance club, and some think it’s kind of sleazy. I’m not defending Rasputin’s, but I’m tired of putting up with Retronome’s shit, so here are Ten Reasons Rasputin’s Is Better Than Retronome:

1. Nobody will shout “ALL THIS… FOR FLOCK OF SEAGULLS?” when seeing the line at Rasputin’s.
2. When you leave Retronome piss drunk, you can fall down stairs. You can only fall up the stairs when leaving Rasputin’s.
3. I’ve never been kicked out of Rasputin’s for being too drunk.
4. The females at Rasputin’s are, for the most part, whores. But at least they’re not FAT whores.
5. You can count the number of receding hair lines at Rasputin’s on one hand.
6. While the ratio of men to women is slightly better at Retronome, the ratio of men to attractive women at Rasputin’s is far more even than at Retronome.
7. Nobody would ever dare do “The Robot” at Rasputin’s.
8. I can people-watch at Rasputin’s without worrying that an old man in a full-length red leather coat will whip out an AK-47 and spray the place.
9. There’s a pool table at Rasputin’s.
10. You will not find a hippie at Rasputin’s.

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Getting Trivial on Your Ass

It’s finally winter again in Vermont! I’m hittin up the ‘Bush Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully, this weekend I won’t fall on my ass. My worst fall at Stowe on Sunday, despite all the icy conditions ON the slopes? In the parking lot… getting into my roommate’s car… I fell right on my ass. Sitting down was not fun come Monday morning.

Team Captain Morgan was victorious last night at the final Trivia Night at the Lincoln Inn. Among the random facts you may have learned last night:

– It takes 40 gallons of sap to make one gallon of maple syrup.
– Syrup is filtered through the process of reverse osmosis.
– The four types of maples that produce sap are the Canadian, the Red, the Box Ash, and the Silver.
– The most difficult maple syrup to make is Fancy Grade.
– The key ingredient of Sugar on Snow aside from maple syrup and snow is butter.

Can you tell there was an entire round with questions about maple syrup? Can you tell I live in Vermont?

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